How I come up with tv story ideas

1. Hot, insecure, borderline retarded Asian waitress keeps on asking me what I'm up to tonight as she refills my water. Mentions she's bored. I calmly and surgically get her number. I've never been one to have waitress game. This is great!

Hot, witty white waitress asks main character what he's up to tonight. She gives him her number without him asking.

2. I spend the next hour frantically cleaning my apartment and searching my room and my roommate's room for condoms. Find a slightly-open one in my roommate's dresser. Decide that's better than having an awkward interaction at a drugstore.

Main character gets loaded and then gets a surprise visit from a beautiful coworker he's fucking. They have unprotected sex.

3. After cleaning up in the shower, I decide to put some moisturizer on my body. Not leaving anything to chance here. Ooh, my skin feels gooooood.

Main character makes offhanded comment about his lady's silky smooth parts.

4. I call Azn waitress. Voice Mail. Even though I'm a successful, funny, good looking guy, and she's some random waitress who's clearly DTF, I leave a message with the enthusiasm and confidence of a fat, recently divorced 50-something CPA.

White waitress calls main character in the middle of sex with the coworker. He TAKES the call. Makes evening plans with her while inside another woman.

5. Azn waitress txts me back: "Had to cover for my friend's shift. Too tired to go out. Have a fun night! :)"

White waitress knocks on main character's door. He's still with the coworker.

6. I go to bed thinking, "well, at least my apartment's super clean, my skin's hydrated, and I won't be waking up hungover or anything. FUCK." Get up once in the middle of the night to pee.

Main character has booze-fueled threesome throughout every room of his messy apartment, culminating in an insane girl-on-girl golden shower.

Hollywood Horror Story

Girl poses nude.

Guy doesn't follow through on promise to make her a star.

Comedian Encounters Very Conservative Audience Member

"So this unicellular organism dies, right? But first it gets this mutation, you see..."

"Too soon!!!"

Dr. Odelberg

Dr. Odelberg, my dead husband's penis seems completely incapable of maintaining an erection.

For about how long has this problem been surfacing?

Since he lost his bout with the lymphoma in the late 80s.

Is he able to achieve but not maintain?

Neither.

Is he still dead?

He is.

I'd like to run some tests.

But he's cremated.

Including the penis?

Including the penis.

That makes treatment more difficult, Linda.

I know. I was worried you'd say that, Dr. Odelberg.

Linda.

Yes, Dr. Odelberg.

Just have him come by the office next week. Same insurance, right?

Yes. Thanks so much, Dr. Odelberg.

You got it, Linda.

Dr. Odelberg.

Yes, Linda.

I like what you've done with the waiting room. Decorations-wise.

Oh, well, Linda, we have Diane to thank for that. Ever since she passed away last summer, she's just been on a real decorating kick, you know. Lots of projects at home too. Her getting hit by that Jeep is the best thing that ever happened to us. In terms of decorating projects. It stinks that she's dead of course, Linda. Stinks real bad.

My Cousin is Much Nicer Than My Girlfriend

When I was trying to give my cousin directions to my new apartment, I accidentally emailed him the wrong Google Maps link: directions to Petco Park in San Diego. He wasn't mad at all.

When I was trying to show my girlfriend pictures of a beautiful apartment we could move into, I accidentally emailed her the wrong Craigslist link: my own Casual Encounters ad looking for very good looking drug and disease free white or hispanic men interested in double teaming my unsuspecting girlfriend. She was very mad.

My cousin's still just my cousin.

My girlfriend now says she has to be called my "ex-girlfriend."

My cousin still returns my calls within a half hour.

I called my girlfriend nineteen times during my lunch break yesterday, and she still hasn't called me back.

My cousin is much nicer than my girlfriend.

Sorta Brain-Damaged Guy

confuses the notion of death with the phenomenon of having an insecure acquaintance who fabricates stories of sexual encounters with women.

1. All the great religions seek to answer one basic query. What happens after Christian Moira hits psychological rock bottom by pretending he got a bad handjob from some JDate girl (thinking that by fronting like the sexual experience was bad, he'll be much more believable) who clearly doesn't exist?

2. I still haven't gotten over my father's Christian Moira claiming he fucked a 17 year old model while in Brussels (so convenient that most of his intense sexual encounters occur outside of the country in which all of the people who interact with him live).

3. My favorite early 90s Bruce Willis / Goldie Hawn starrer was Christian Moira told a physically impossible story about both being incapable of getting an erection and prematurely ejaculating AT THE SAME TIME Becomes Her.

4. Wait, you know Moira? How weird is that dude?! How transparent is the whole one day all of us are going to be nothing for eternity thing? So creepytimes, right?! Poor dude. He should see a therapist.

Divorced Contractor with a Wispy Mustache Sleeps with a Non-Prostitute for the First Time Since His Wife Left Him

Spends $150 on the date.

Specifically does not joke to his friends that "Jeez, for $150, would have been easier to just get a hooker," because it was ultimately a really sweet, ego-boosting experience for him and he has no desire to tarnish it.

Dopamine rush inspires him to get a new Vizio at Costco. The picture's mediocre at best, but he doesn't notice.

Gets a Polish sausage while there.

Watches a lot of Sunday football over the next few months. Buys some satellite package or another. Doesn't enjoy the game as much as when he was with Laura and used to smoke passable pot out of an old fashioned tobacco pipe and was an alcoholic and could see all the good things in his life falling away from him like errant balls from an unskilled juggler.

Lives for another three decades, buying his final television in 2039. It's a piece of shit by the day's standards. But its resolution would make us weep if we could just see it now.