Thursday, April 10, 2008

Early Education

When I was little, I went to a small, progressive private elementary school run by a socially awkward recovering Mormon and his passive aggressive wife.

Here's the kind of conversation I imagined them having once they got home...

Ron: Matt was amazing with the long division today. And his new RollerBlades looked awesome. He's a little stubborn, but overall, I think he could be a future president.

Linda: He's responding really well to our humanistic schooling philosophy. I wonder if he and Nicole Haynes will ever French? I bet that if we plan a big field trip to a tide pool, they'll make out on the bus. Nine seems to be about the age that most special, important boys have life-altering sexual experiences.

Today, I realize their interactions probably went more like this...

Ron: Are you only gonna have one sip of your wine?

Linda (yawning): I'm getting sleepy.

Ron: Come on, it's my fucking birthday. If I can't get any tonight, might as well give up.

Linda (sotto): Maybe you should.

Ron: Fuck you, Linda.

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