Saturday, April 11, 2009

Therapy Euphemisms

I had therapy today.

I talked about what happened last night.

Here's what actually happened last night:

1.  Hacked into my ex's gmail.  Found a 2006 email she sent to a friend after a hot night of getting fantasy raped by her childhood orthodontist.  Read and reread.  While furiously masturbating into a discarded Starbucks cup. 

2.  Sent a txt to my maid's hot 16 y.o. socially climby daughter claiming I bought her an iPod.  This is not true.  Read her flirty, thrilled replies.  Vigorously beat off.

3.  Heard roommate fucking his girlfriend.  Snuck into bathroom so I could hear them better.  Busted my load into some grainy Whole Foods toilet paper.  

Here's what I said happened last night:

"You know, last night, I spent a little too much time on, you stuff."

"How much time," asked Therapist.

"Oh, maybe 10 minutes."

"That's a totally healthy, normal habit.  Studies show that men who watch a few minutes of porn every night display increased arousal during actual intercourse.  I'm not concerned about you at all.  Your sex life is probably a lot more functional than you think."

"That's really good to hear."

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