I had therapy today.
I talked about what happened last night.
Here's what actually happened last night:
1. Hacked into my ex's gmail. Found a 2006 email she sent to a friend after a hot night of getting fantasy raped by her childhood orthodontist. Read and reread. While furiously masturbating into a discarded Starbucks cup.
2. Sent a txt to my maid's hot 16 y.o. socially climby daughter claiming I bought her an iPod. This is not true. Read her flirty, thrilled replies. Vigorously beat off.
3. Heard roommate fucking his girlfriend. Snuck into bathroom so I could hear them better. Busted my load into some grainy Whole Foods toilet paper.
Here's what I said happened last night:
"You know, last night, I spent a little too much time on, you know...porn stuff."
"How much time," asked Therapist.
"Oh, maybe 10 minutes."
"That's a totally healthy, normal habit. Studies show that men who watch a few minutes of porn every night display increased arousal during actual intercourse. I'm not concerned about you at all. Your sex life is probably a lot more functional than you think."
"That's really good to hear."