Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Portrait of a Failed Artist as a Young Man

1983: Born in Beverly Hills, CA.

1992: Classmate gets a Super Soaker 200.

1996: Popular kid and former carpool acquaintance fingers girl in middle school unisex bathroom. Is surprised and comforted by the exceptional warmth of the human vagina.

1999: Directs but never screens "Mr. Zombiegson," a six minute horror/comedy short starring Mark Quiegson -- a well-meaning but catastrophically rigid forty-three year old trigonometry teacher.

2000: Receives new, fully loaded Arctic Silver Volkswagen Passat from charming, vigorous Jewish father who wonders if somewhere in his own heart lies the dormant seed of the grotesque weakness that flourishes without end in his bespectacled, milquetoast, unhygienic, Dreamcast-addicted, likely homosexual son.

2005: Ireland completes metrication.

2009: Cuddles for three hours with bland, pear shaped University of Wisconsin law student after losing his virginity.

2010: Attends first day of work as a corporate tax attorney in Century City, CA.

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