Thursday, October 29, 2009

I enjoy calling 911

Back when I lived in Venice, I once dialed 911 on a couple thugs roughing up a streetwalker. I also threatened to physically detain a young teenager who was viciously taunting another kid.

When I visited New York last month, I called the NYPD four and a half seconds after I witnessed an erratically behaving hipsterbitch accost a cyclist.

But the demographics of West Hollywood, where I live now, present a number of challenges for people like me who are into the 911 calling / citizens arrest scene. First, the street I live on is full of old, jaded, miserable Russian immigrants. If I were to explain to the dumb fuck riding his bicycle on the sidewalk that he was putting the community in danger and disobeying city law, he might shiv me. Or tell his mobbed up nephew who's never read Proust or played sudoku on his BlackBerry to shiv me. Then there's the huge gay contingent in Weho. And I'm sure you're thinking, isn't a gay man the IDEAL person to call 911 on or to detain until an officer can come to the scene. Gay people are sane. Rational. They have cool jobs. They're not going to jeopardize their life or yours by pulling a knife on you. This is true. But then gays never do anything arrest worthy in the first place. They're like outgoing Asians. Courteous, precise, law-abiding, clean. Fucking anathema to the 911 caller's soul.

And so I realize I must move. To an area of town where my skill-set can be utilized, where my passion can be nourished. A place without Russians. A place with no gays. A place where I can find that random woman in the crosswalk getting verbally trashed by some douchebag or another. And I can assure you that when I do find her -- and I will -- that I won't wait to see if the situation escalates. I will not waste precious ticks trying to ascertain if this is merely an innocuous domestic squabble or indeed something truly dangerous. I will not think. I will not muse. I will act. I will dial. Nine. One. One. And I will do so immediately. And I will report the incident with precision, clarity, speed and -- this is the best part, the part I savor like the first sip of a barrel-aged Belgian -- total fucking equanimity.