Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A smart, unoriginal, painfully insecure, sweet, technically obese but not disgusting 45 year old Yale lecturer with recurring back problems

brainstorms ways he could have sex for free with a woman more attractive than his domineering acne-scarred wife of 18 years. This is what he came up with...

1. Flesh out that dissertation I wrote on anti-metafiction tendencies in Stendhal that Ph.D. advisor at Cornell so dug in 1997. Turn into larger criticism of Stendhal's work in general. Publish. Receive bad blowjob that doesn't lead to orgasm from troubled, lonely, status-conscious T.A. who's attracted to both beefy men and mildly successful authority figures.

2. Contact Facebook friend Lauren Miller, a girl from my Chaucer section a few years back when I was forced to lead a section for Professor Williamson's popular class even though I was already a lecturer and all the other section leaders were T.A.'s. Live in a universe where Lauren does not work with her boyfriend at a hip if insolvent karaoke club in Portland but resides in New Haven and has an obsession with letting men who made pithy observations about the Pardoner's Tale in 2005 put their penises inside her.