Saturday, November 7, 2009

Guy who's stuck in the past has one good encounter

Guy Who's Stuck In The Past: Oh hey, sexy expensive personal trainer I used to use when my rich parents paid for shit before they cut me off at 28 in the name of "tough love," can you make my body look exactly like it did ten years ago when my cells were young and buoyant and I was incalculably more motivated and hungry than I am now? No? Fuck you!

GWSITP: What's good, grandma who died during the Nagano Olympics. You can come back and be alive again now. Staying dead? Fuck you too, grandma!

GWSITP: Hey ex girlfriend from back home. Haven't talked to you in a while. Let's see, I hated NYU. Just bombed the LSAT for the third time. I resent my friends with money while I simultaneously angle to ride their coattails. Wanna give me head in your car and stare all in-love-like into my sad eyes til I bust all over your leatherette upholstery and we giggle? You feel sorry for me and hope I get the help I need? Fuck you, Heather! I never loved you!

GWSITP: Hey, grotesquely deformed Mexican guy who used to sling peanuts at Dodger Stadium and whom I used to feel guilty about abhorring while I ate Carnation ice cream with a cheap wooden spoon and watched a group of professionally-fulfilled men who were the same age I am now compete in a sport that never really moved me, will you throw a bag of peanuts at me with precision while I feel guilty and bored? Wait, what? Yes?! You will?! Fuck yeah! Thank you!!!

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