Sunday, November 8, 2009

Guy Whose Relationship With Reality Has Been Compromised By His Gonzo Porn Addiction

can't figure out why he's been blacklisted by his extremely talented, popular, Vegas-obsessed, golf-loving Japanese-American dentist.

Day 1.

Guy: Hey mom, I feel like I keep on getting the brush-off from Dr. Shibuya. Every time I call the office, they say they'll put me on the waiting list and call me back when they have a spot. And they never call me back. Since when is there a fucking waiting list!? I've been seeing this guy since I was 12!

Mom: Would you like me to call and try to make you an appointment? Are you sure you didn't upset him somehow?

Guy: Upset him? All I do when I'm in that chair is lie and pretend I like golf and lie and pretend I like Vegas and lie and pretend my brain operates in an efficient, reasonable, forty-seven year old successful Asian dentist kind of way. I kiss the man's ass the entire time! Upset him?! Ha. Oh and yes, that would be great if you'd call for me.

Day 2.

Mom: Honey, this is extremely difficult for me to say...

Guy: Let me guess, the non-existent waiting list?!

Mom: Honey, I tried to get you an appointment. They demurred. I pressed. Dr. Shibuya himself got on the line. He claimed, and this is so hard to repeat, he claimed that the last time you had an appointment, Anne The Hygienist left the room for a couple minutes to retrieve a lead apron and that when she returned... umm, sorry, this is just so... okay, I can do this, she claims she returned to you flinging a cup of warm semen in her face, pulling out your penis, and vigorously thumping it on her forehead several times.

Guy: Yeah, she's always kind of thrown me these dirty fuck-me looks. I sensed an opening. Trust me, I'm well aware of my weird power issues with women. And people in general. Anyway, did Dr. Shibuya explain why he won't give me an appointment?

No comments: