Monday, December 28, 2009

Things I Like

Smart or ethnic people's babies if they're far enough away that I can just notice they're cute but don't have to in any way deal with them.

Really really hardcore pornography.

Don't like waffles. They look better than they taste. Always disappoint. Always think to myself after eating waffles or any sweet breakfast item, fuck should have gotten something savory. Perhaps a sausagey item. You have never had a sausage-based regret. Oil and meat and salt are what you need, not sugar. What the fuck were you thinking, dude? Too late now. Botched breakfast.

My 2 Most Important Moments of 2009

1. seeing fuckable tweens on beach in cabo and getting a lil hard and getting to joke about it with a bro who is also into the underage scene.

2. not dying of a terrible disease or being gay or mexican.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dentist's 4 Year Old Daughter > Owner

Dog: I hate you, owner. I'm fat, depressed, and have respiratory issues.

Owner: I'm gay and have shitty taste in everything.

Owner's wife: I'm completely unfulfilled and my dad is a hoarder.

Owner's dentist's 4 year old daughter: I LOVE ICE CREAM AND MY HUGE COLLECTION OF TOY HORSES! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Words Have No Impact on Relationships

Charles Peterson: Right now I'm imagining I'm fucking your sister instead of you. She's more attractive and charming than you, you know? Oh yeah. Also funnier and more engaged with life. People actually respect her. She and I have many similar interests. Among them golf, Headline News, and hating you. God I wish I was fucking your sister.

Deaf Wife:

The Last Book on Screenwriting That You'll Ever Need

Okay, so you have that next brilliant BIG IDEA. You've pitched it to all your friends and family. They love it! What's next? A little thing called Outline Time. Now if you're trying to be the next indie darling, it was nice meeting you, good luck in all futures, have a safe trip home. But if you want to write a big, fun, satisfying commercial Hollywood movie, sit down and relax, because you've come to the right place. Listen up as I reveal THE three events that must occur in EVERY single great entertaining movie. If you watch closely, you'll see that these three events always occur, and on specific pages, in all of the great, successful films we love -- from The Godfather to Tootsie to Top Gun.

Event 1 (pp. 20-25): Girlfriend leaves.

Event 2 (pp. 50-65): Realize not cut out for writing and start teaching high school English to fuckable yet uninterested girls at Woodward Academy for the Arts and Sciences.

Event 3 (pp. 100-110): Die.

"Bye" Guy

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What do you think of Obama?

Can I?

Can I have juice?

Can I have astronaut ice cream?

Can I have a model rocket?

Can I have a cd boombox?

Can I have a Playstation?

Can I have a pager?

Can I have a cell phone?

Can I have a car?

Can I have a credit card?

Can I have a security deposit?

Can I have a home loan?

Can I have a tax shelter?

Can I have an annuity?

Can I have an experimental surgery?

Can I have a green burial?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Hi Vanessa

It's Doug Housladen. We went to middle school together. I was really shy and good at Latin and pretended to like rap. Never really interacted with you. You were eminently fuckable and the first person I noticed in my generation to really pull off the tan legs /short tight skirt thing. You're now fat and married to an even fatter guy and based on your Facebook status updates you seem clinically retarded. I'm successful and altogether pretty great. Which is a lot coming from a guy with as much self-hatred as I have. Was just wondering if we could go back to 1996, listen to some Blackstreet on MiniDisk, and sneak into the unisex bathroom across from the computer lab where you'd let me finger you... knowing that in 14 years, I'll have a cool job and money and you'll be rotund and have almost zero cultural capital. I prefer this to just trying to find your 2010 equivalent, because that would take effort and I'm troubled and obsessed with the past.

Yours Truly,


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Red Whine

A New American Indian Complaint Every Day Of The Week

Complaint #540

I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant at 14 and that the vast majority of my friends and family didn't know the kind of depression and resentment that sometimes feels like someone's trying to rip out your stomach lining with their plaque-encrusted teeth.

- Whine by Wenona

Compatibility Isn't Everything

Guy Larsen and Laura Sarasalo.

Married October 14th, 1984.

Both enjoy deviled eggs.

Guy becomes emotionally detached by 1987. Pushes Laura against a wall in late 88. Impregnates her in 89. Gets fired from his job working for her father in 92. She soon divorces him. She's now with some sweet tubby Peruvian who can't quite support her or challenge her intellectually. He gets loaded by himself at the wet bar in his basement, passes out on his forest green carpet, and has no relationship with his daughter.

Doug Williamson and Sarah Doctor.

Married November 9th, 2009.

Doug enjoys deviled eggs. Sarah doesn't. They're still going strong.

Boring Commitment Phobe with Avoidant Personality Disorder and an Indian Fetish Names Top Five Moments of the Decade

5. Realizing that Sapna stocked Pringles in her cabinet. Foul. I could never date let alone go down on a girl whose skin cells -- and by extension pussy -- were in part made up of whatever matter forms Pringles.

4. Pretending I was sick during Reshmi's 21st birthday party. Didn't have to deal with any of her friends. Just stayed in her bed. Had fake sick sex when all the guests left. Could tell she was pretty hurt / disappointed with me. She broke up with me the next day, which I was secretly gunning for.

3. Reading a dull thirty-seven year old Los Angeles Times article on microfiche at my local library about the Kama Sutra but pretending to be really immersed so as to prevent the microfiche librarian from asking me any questions / engaging me / helping me.

2. Gray Davis getting recalled.

1. Being pretty unsupportive of Lahska during her father's death.