Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Hi Vanessa

It's Doug Housladen. We went to middle school together. I was really shy and good at Latin and pretended to like rap. Never really interacted with you. You were eminently fuckable and the first person I noticed in my generation to really pull off the tan legs /short tight skirt thing. You're now fat and married to an even fatter guy and based on your Facebook status updates you seem clinically retarded. I'm successful and altogether pretty great. Which is a lot coming from a guy with as much self-hatred as I have. Was just wondering if we could go back to 1996, listen to some Blackstreet on MiniDisk, and sneak into the unisex bathroom across from the computer lab where you'd let me finger you... knowing that in 14 years, I'll have a cool job and money and you'll be rotund and have almost zero cultural capital. I prefer this to just trying to find your 2010 equivalent, because that would take effort and I'm troubled and obsessed with the past.

Yours Truly,


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