Tuesday, April 14, 2009

guesshermuff.blogspot.com

is one of the more intriguing blogs I've recently come across.

The conceit is simple.  The site presents pictures of "real" amateur women in banal everyday situations. Click on a "reveal" button, and a naked, highly explicit picture of that same woman suddenly pops up.

The central gag is that it's almost impossible to guess her muff. Take that reserved, chubby accountant you pass on your way to the shitter every morning... yeah, turns out she's shaved, pierced, and has a distinct penchant for dongs.

It's heady, primal stuff...the disparate and manifold ways we decide to present ourselves to the world. The characters we choose to inhabit. The archetypes we strictly adhere to.

Here's a sample...

See the answer [here]


See the answer [here]

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Pillow Talk with a Prostitute



Me:  ...that's interesting, because you know the saddest moment of my childhood was the night Tyson went down to Buster Douglas. It was then that the twin notions of failure and loss first entered my five year old consciousness.  It was then I understood, if only in the most cursory manner, the slapdash fragility of our existence in the world.  

Prostitute:  Can I wash the cum off my face now?

Me: Not yet.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Couple Hawks Take A Morning Fly Above Griffith Park

Guy Hawk:  Oh, wow, check out that human.

Bitch Hawk:  Where?

Guy Hawk:  Down there.  That White Silverlake Hipsterdouche.  Note the robust ginger-hued mustache.  He looks so fucking free.  Not confined to the air.  He can just...walk.  Jesus, nature makes me want to nut.  I feel so refreshed out here.

Bitch Hawk:  Yeah, I'm getting sorta beat actually.  You wanna brunch at Alcove when we're done?

Guy Hawk: Umm.........Oh Shit!  Look at that formation of Chubby Working Class Mexicans!  A family I think!  See the little one!

Bitch Hawk:  Uhh, yeah.  Cool.

Guy Hawk:  The female just screamed and hit the little one!  Hard!  Wow!  The natural order is so beautifully fucking cutthroat.  Dude, this is getting me really warmed up for Joshua Tree with Gabe and Liz!  

Bitch Hawk:  Babe.

Guy Hawk:  Yeah.

Bitch Hawk: I'm really hungry.

Guy Hawk:  Yeah.  Hungry for...my cock.  Am I right? Ehh?

Bitch Hawk:  You have a cloaca, Josh.  Not a cock.

Guy Hawk:  Yeah.  I'm aware.  Trust me.  Cock sounds funnier.  All about rhythm, girl.  

Bitch Hawk: Just saying...

Guy Hawk:  Babe.

Bitch Hawk:  Yeah?

Guy Hawk:  You ever find it weird that we both have these like identical holes we pee and poo out of...that we then rub together to get each other off and that's like all we can do...sexually? Like am I on some weird trip or is this not some irrevocably fucked up shit?  Are we not the punchline of some horrific evolutionary joke?  I mean identical shitpeefuck holes?!  Really?!!

Bitch Hawk:  I don't know.  Seems pretty normal to me.

Guy Hawk:  Yeah.  I guess you're right.

Bitch Hawk:  Hey, did you remember to lock the Prius?

Guy Hawk:  Yep.
 

Therapy Euphemisms

I had therapy today.

I talked about what happened last night.

Here's what actually happened last night:

1.  Hacked into my ex's gmail.  Found a 2006 email she sent to a friend after a hot night of getting fantasy raped by her childhood orthodontist.  Read and reread.  While furiously masturbating into a discarded Starbucks cup. 

2.  Sent a txt to my maid's hot 16 y.o. socially climby daughter claiming I bought her an iPod.  This is not true.  Read her flirty, thrilled replies.  Vigorously beat off.

3.  Heard roommate fucking his girlfriend.  Snuck into bathroom so I could hear them better.  Busted my load into some grainy Whole Foods toilet paper.  

Here's what I said happened last night:

"You know, last night, I spent a little too much time on, you know...porn stuff."

"How much time," asked Therapist.

"Oh, maybe 10 minutes."

"That's a totally healthy, normal habit.  Studies show that men who watch a few minutes of porn every night display increased arousal during actual intercourse.  I'm not concerned about you at all.  Your sex life is probably a lot more functional than you think."

"That's really good to hear."