Monday, August 24, 2009

New Season

Am I a Creep or Have the Times Just Changed?


Here's the kind of anecdote my dad tells me about his childhood:

"When I was 11, I stole my dad's chewing tobacco and took it to the county fair. I didn't know what I doing, so I put the whole package in my mouth. And then rode the tilt-a-whirl. You can imagine what happened next."

Here's the kind of anecdote I can imagine telling my kid:

"When I was 11, I assumed the identity of a then obscure UCLA running back in AOL chatrooms. I convinced a lonely, obese black high school student from Florida that I was, in fact, DeShaun Foster. She became obsessed with "me" and often mused about flying out for a visit. When Foster become a breakout star -- 200 yards in a nationally televised game and shit -- the jig was kind of up. She was completely devastated."

Am I a creep or have the times just changed?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

What's with mid/late-twenty something self-improvement?


Like bitches knowing how to cook really complicated shit their moms' taught them.

Or dudes knowing how to use a stud finder.

Sure, I make a lot more money than I did when I was 13, and I have a much better understanding of the fragility of human experience...

But I still get about the same amount of pussy and still lack the know-how to elegantly hide speaker wire.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Act Two: The Confusion





Personality Types



There are three types of people in this world.

You can tell who's who by the words they spew.

Racist Guy: "So I was at the gym today. God, how much does it suck how easy it is for black dudes to get ripped? At least it isn't easy for them to graduate high school. Did Obama ever get his GED?"

Non-Racist Guy: "Oh my God, Lucy. This kale salad is friggin' out of of hand. And the peanut sauce it's in?! I don't think I've been so cloud nined-out since Obama's Iowa Caucus speech."

Potentially Racist Guy: "Yeah, I voted for Obama because I'm fucking sick of voting against my self-interests. That's how how out to the pasture the Republican Party is right now. I actually voted for Obama despite the fact that he's, you know... Oh, pardon me, Excuse me while I throw a molotov cocktail into a Magic Johnson's TGI Friday's. What? Yeah, I'm aware of how fucking maniacal and dumb this is. But I'm incredibly angry and sad. Sorry."

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Act One: The Courtship

So hiatus has officially begun.

I spent Day 1 with Berger on Zuma re-meeting Mahbod and Katie. Smart, delightful, attractive people. Katie mentioned she was about to study literature or some shit at Berkeley. A few days later, Dan and I were road tripping through San Francisco. As we passed Berkeley, we thought of Katie, and I sort of had this vision of what her time in the Bay might be like. Here's Act One: The Courtship...










Imagine how much pussy I'd get...

if every single other man in the world was a downtrodden Mexican day laborer.