Sunday, November 29, 2009

"Long Lost" Christopher Columbus Email Exposed as Fake

Christopher Columbus to Dave show details 12:26 AM

Saw the FB pic of you and that fucking monster. My replacement? Does the fact that I feel utterly worthless without you make you want to reject me even more? I'd give anything for you to just treat me like shit one last time. It's the no contact that's eating away at me, you manipulative cipher. I know I shouldn't be writing this. Should be at the Jay-Z concert with the girls right now meeting better looking guys than you. But NO! I'm a parody of a jilted idiot ex. Such a cliche. We had nothing unique. Were never even really in love. Blah blah. I am so bored. I miss fucking you. I miss hating you, you fucking boring piece of shit. I would have married your short, sensitive, freckled ass and hated every minute of it but you had to leave me for an old Asian slut with thin nasty hair. Fuck you!!!! I miss you!!!! I'm so lost, Dave. Help. Please.

P.S.

The Pinta suffered a minor setback today when one of our men was momentarily thrown overboard while attempting to rig hammocks aboard the deck in the fashion of the Indians with whom we've become acquainted. Oh, how I've tired of eating and drinking nothing but hardtack and ale.

Christopher

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Zany Underemployed Closeted Homosexual With A Chip On His Shoulder Officially Ends His "Taco Litmus Test"

July, 2007. "Dude, honestly, official new rule. I call it the Taco Litmus Test. I'm going to take any girl I kinda like to the La Isla Bonita Taco Truck. It's super good. Real close to my crib. The roomies and I go after the bars close. So if the girl I'm with digs on the truck, Date 2. If not, guess it wasn't meant to be."

May, 2008. While waiting to pick him up a surprise chicken burrito from the truck, the guy's friendly, masculine girlfriend Katy is somehow lured into an alley and subsequently savagely beaten and raped by a sinewy, red-faced wino.

June, 2009. "Dude, what the hell?! I don't care how many shots you did. How could you even think it was cool to ask if I still do the Taco Litmus Test after what happened to Katy? I don't even know what to say to be honest. If you were in my position, and you first told me about the Taco Litmus Test you had, and then something terrible happened to your ex at the truck, I would never, never ask you if you still had a Taco Litmus Test. Dude, honestly, I'm bouncing. Like, let's talk about this when you've had time to think about just how friggin offensive it is to even mention the Taco Litmus Test."

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The whole hipsters hitting up the local shooting range phenomenon

really bums me out. I don't like guns. I typically don't like people. Especially middle class white men on lunch breaks. I hate loud noises. I am incredibly protective of my ears. I baby them. Vibration irks me. I dislike concrete interiors and anything resembling a warehouse. Communal safety-glasses are creepy and unsanitary. Let's get coffee instead. Talk about whether Wes' redemption is real or media-driven. One of us can briefly mention pussy if we feel like we've veered impossibly far away from any kind of authentic human experience. And then we can talk about Slate's review of The Road and how we didn't actually read the book (though we've of course devoured all the "real" McCarthy).

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hollywood Horror Story

Girl poses nude.

Guy doesn't follow through on promise to make her a star.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Comedian Encounters Very Conservative Audience Member

"So this unicellular organism dies, right? But first it gets this mutation, you see..."

"Too soon!!!"

Dr. Odelberg

Dr. Odelberg, my dead husband's penis seems completely incapable of maintaining an erection.

For about how long has this problem been surfacing?

Since he lost his bout with the lymphoma in the late 80s.

Is he able to achieve but not maintain?

Neither.

Is he still dead?

He is.

I'd like to run some tests.

But he's cremated.

Including the penis?

Including the penis.

That makes treatment more difficult, Linda.

I know. I was worried you'd say that, Dr. Odelberg.

Linda.

Yes, Dr. Odelberg.

Just have him come by the office next week. Same insurance, right?

Yes. Thanks so much, Dr. Odelberg.

You got it, Linda.

Dr. Odelberg.

Yes, Linda.

I like what you've done with the waiting room. Decorations-wise.

Oh, well, Linda, we have Diane to thank for that. Ever since she passed away last summer, she's just been on a real decorating kick, you know. Lots of projects at home too. Her getting hit by that Jeep is the best thing that ever happened to us. In terms of decorating projects. It stinks that she's dead of course, Linda. Stinks real bad.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My Cousin is Much Nicer Than My Girlfriend

When I was trying to give my cousin directions to my new apartment, I accidentally emailed him the wrong Google Maps link: directions to Petco Park in San Diego. He wasn't mad at all.

When I was trying to show my girlfriend pictures of a beautiful apartment we could move into, I accidentally emailed her the wrong Craigslist link: my own Casual Encounters ad looking for very good looking drug and disease free white or hispanic men interested in double teaming my unsuspecting girlfriend. She was very mad.

My cousin's still just my cousin.
My girlfriend now says she has to be called my "ex-girlfriend."

My cousin still returns my calls within a half hour.
I called my girlfriend nineteen times during my lunch break yesterday, and she still hasn't called me back.

My cousin is much nicer than my girlfriend.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sorta Brain-Damaged Guy

confuses the notion of death with the phenomenon of having an insecure acquaintance who fabricates stories of sexual encounters with women.

1. All the great religions seek to answer one basic query. What happens after Christian Moira hits psychological rock bottom by pretending he got a bad handjob from some JDate girl (thinking that by fronting like the sexual experience was bad, he'll be much more believable) who clearly doesn't exist?

2. I still haven't gotten over my father's Christian Moira claiming he fucked a 17 year old model while in Brussels (so convenient that most of his intense sexual encounters occur outside of the country in which all of the people who interact with him live).

3. My favorite early 90s Bruce Willis / Goldie Hawn starrer was Christian Moira told a physically impossible story about both being incapable of getting an erection and prematurely ejaculating AT THE SAME TIME Becomes Her.

4. Wait, you know Moira? How weird is that dude?! How transparent is the whole one day all of us are going to be nothing for eternity thing? So creepytimes, right?! Poor dude. He should see a therapist.

Divorced Contractor with a Wispy Mustache Sleeps with a Non-Prostitute for the First Time Since His Wife Left Him

Spends $150 on the date.

Specifically does not joke to his friends that "Jeez, for $150, would have been easier to just get a hooker," because it was ultimately a really sweet, ego-boosting experience for him and he has no desire to tarnish it.

Dopamine rush inspires him to get a new Vizio at Costco. The picture's mediocre at best, but he doesn't notice.

Gets a Polish sausage while there.

Watches a lot of Sunday football over the next few months. Buys some satellite package or another. Doesn't enjoy the game as much as when he was with Laura and used to smoke passable pot out of an old fashioned tobacco pipe and was an alcoholic and could see all the good things in his life falling away from him like errant balls from an unskilled juggler.

Lives for another three decades, buying his final television in 2039. It's a piece of shit by the day's standards. But its resolution would make us weep if we could just see it now.

Very Liberal Jewish Guy who Frequently Says "God I Would Like to Hatefuck Palin"

actually sees her in a bar. Sitting alone.

He walks toward her end of the bar.

Manages to nervously say something really bland and high-pitched to her while ordering a Moscow Mule. She basically ignores him.

He goes back to his apartment alone and watches the second half of the HBO Obama doc with his roommate until they both pass out.

Middle School

I just put the pieces together and realized that this kid from middle school, who confronted me after his girlfriend, Lauren Finkle, caught me writing in English class -- in what I thought was inscrutably miniscule text -- "Lauren Finkle is going to suck my dick..."

...I just realized that was the very same kid who while playing left field in 7th grade overheard me in center repeating the mantra "I want to fuck Melissa Jones in the ass" over and over again in what I thought was an inaudibly quiet voice.

Jesus, that guy must have thought I was a real fucking deviant.

I heard he threatened to knife himself after an ex dumped him a few years ago.

Guess I win.

Not counting black on black crime,

black people have such an affinity for each other. It's like this exclusive club and if you're a member, you're loved. You know, you'll be in Whole Foods. And you'll see the black woman behind the register's face light up. And she'll warmly offer a "Hey baby, how've you been?" and initially you'll think she's talking to you but then your brain determines that A) No human being has ever greeted you so warmly and B ) She's clearly looking toward someone behind you. So you get embarrassed and fidget around with the mint display. But then you turn around and sure enough, it's some black dude. Someone she probably knows less than you. But there's just this genuine celebration of commonality. I find it both reassuring and a little intimidating.

I wish Jews had the same sense of brotherhood. When we see each other at Whole Foods, it's more like oh shit, did that guy notice me? Fuck. He saw me. I'm going to have to talk to him. I hate that asshole. Whatever. I refuse to go over there. Maybe he didn't see me. I think I got away with it. Wait, is he actually leaving? Without coming up to me? That fucking dick. Who does he think he is?!

Two Presidents Have Differing Opinions on Period Sex

Example One:

Abraham Lincoln: Oh, wait, there's some kind of liquid all over me, hand me the candle so I can-- Oh, Jesus, there's blood all over the sheets! Fuck. I'm covered.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed. Do you want to stop?

Abraham Lincoln: Uhh, yes! Sorry...not trying to be unsupportive. Just totally not in the mood anymore. Eww, it smells all coppery. I'm really not happy about this. Sorry, I can like see myself from afar and realize I'm being insensitive. Should we wash up now?

Example Two:

Mistress: You're sure you don't mind that I'm...?

George H.W. Bush: Get that thing in my face.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Famous Moments In People Resisting Twitter History

Homo Erectus: Just don't get it. It's like my least favorite part of Facebook and nothing more.

Thomas Jefferson: Doesn't involve being inside a female slave's vagina without a condom while obsessing over the fact that I'm a fucking two term president.

Homeless Guy: I don't have a computer. Plus, too busy finding a place to sleep and being ravaged by mental illness.

A Thumbtack: I'm an inanimate object. Don't have agency. Can't communicate, etc.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Intellectually-Insecure Chameleon Discusses Fantastic Mr. Fox

After reading positive review in Slate:

Wes is fucking back, people. All of his quirks, which yes, we're beginning to show their age, now just seem rejuvenated and perfectly contextualized.

After seeing a girl who seems kind of smart -- even though she went to a much worse college than he did -- put up a status update about not liking the movie:

I guess my one concern is that the alt. press seems more concerned with pathologically selling the whole "Wes Rebound" trope than actually analyzing the content of the film.

After seeing the movie:

I'm still sort of processing everything. What was your take?

Sort of Sweet Girl Who Was Okay at Sports in High School

does some fruitless self-examination.

1. My ex Cody who was way way older and kind of crass and belittling was all obsessed with completing this jigsaw puzzle of a cat when he came to my parents' house last Christmas.

2. He cheated on me.

3. I will never date a guy who's into cat puzzles again.

Successful Scottsdale-Based Misogynist Expresses His Love For Whole Foods

I love Whole Foods. Hottest bitches in Phoenix. Top. Shelf. Pussy. Get to clown all the ho's that buy organic shit even though that means nothing. Read Omnivore's Dilemma. Organic nonsense is a sham perpetrated against unsuspecting pussy. Girls love to be told they're fucking retarded as they purchase berries. All women are insecure and begging for aggressive clowning.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Increasingly Burnt Out Slut Tries To Come Up With Zeitgeisty Ideas To Run By Her Agent

1. So King Lear but sort of set amongst 1st wave Silver Lake hipsters. Like not the people there now. The people who first moved there in the early 90s. Mostly Old Fags and I don't know, it could be about like the poor people of the barrio first interacting with the queens. Gentrification in America. Even a metaphor for Columbus' "discovery" of the New World. Shoot half in NYC. Like the first truly bicoastal work of art. That sounds lame or too heady, that phrase, but might actually be true / fucking groundbreaking. Could be a coming of age tale or like an exploration of how sex really is today. How ubiquity of porn influences the whole generation that grew up playing NES. Like waxing. Guys cumming on their girlfriend's faces. I can't think of the specifics. But the whole 90s period piece angle could be fresh, right? Nirvana aesthetic? Flannels are back. Or were back. Or like plaid. Similar pattern.

2. The Graduate but Dustin Hoffman is played by Jason Schwartzman. And the irony is that the mom character oh fuck what's her name Anne something mel brooks fucked her god I did so much coke last weekend I can't remember shit. Oh wait, but that could be incorporated. Like me doing coke, being tired. Like my generation's female take on that Nicholas Cage Charlie Kauffman movie blanking on the name but the voice over could be about like this sort of hot writer chick doing blow and navigating today's tragically emasculated hipster male landscape all while writing or failing to write the new Graduate. Or succeeding. Hollywood is a BUSINESS. Happy endings sell. But it could be about like our generation. The creative class doing drugs, and Michael Cera could be Dustin Hoffman's character. Oh, Adaptation.

3. Some webisode idea. Or online novel. Or something internet. Just read a blurb on this guy i know who started some rap lyrics explanation website like treating rap like deep, complicated poetry / lit. My friend Katie blew him a few weeks ago not knowing he'd just eaten a shit-ton of asparagus. Eww. He didn't reciprocate and didn't call her back. She's a fucking mess. Honestly don't blame him. I think he's making money. Internet shit is like kind of passe but that could be the irony. Like getting into the webisode game too late. Citizen Kane all overly ambitious style but webisodes.

4. I went to Wesleyan. Something about college and life. Maybe a TV show. Like Felicity but with a group of girls who are real and have sex and have breakdowns and get internships for Wes Anderson in paris and do coke but still have classes.

5. People love their animals, right? Something with pets.

7. I need to get fucked.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Glee

What your favorite Laker says about you

Kobe Bryant: You're an insecure, pockmarked Mexican-American legal assistant who hates women and loves the Corvette you can't make the payments on.

Ron Artest: You're a charming batshit homeless guy I give money to as I'm about to get on the 10.

Pau Gasol: You're a gay high school English teacher who went to Wesleyan.

Lamar Odom: You're a depressed but working B-List screenwriter who finds crying incredibly cathartic of late.

Luke Walton: You're a semi-smart, entitled, sexy 16 year old JAP who's terrifically intimidated / subconsciously fascinated by black male sexuality.

Derek Fisher: You're an incredibly polite, handsome successful father of four who knows you'd be able to last longer / get harder if you could put an unloaded gun in your Asian wife's mouth during sex but will never, in all your remaining days, enact said fantasy.

sex with a (digital) native

INT. UCLA FRESHMAN DORM - DUSK

A beautiful, sweet, confident but grounded digital native unclasps her bra. Next to her, a 26 year old television writer strips down to his boxers. She kisses him.

Digital Native: Mmm.

26 Year Old Television Writer: Yeah. You too. So here's a question. When you try to recall your earliest experiences with "the internet," do you think of this basically totally intact entity where you had access to a significant amount of the world's collected information or do you recall logging in and maybe being able to only check stock quotes, the weather, some naked GIFs of Daisy Fuentes and a Prodigy News article about the tragic murder of "Football great O.J. Simpson's ex-wife" who at the time I (err, you) assumed was black?

Digital Native: Umm, what? The first option. It's always been the same. Like we got wireless when I was 9. I guess that was a change.

26 Year Old Television Writer: Oh, God, I'm so hard right now.

Digital Native (smiling): Mmm.. yeah you are.

She kisses him and then starts sliding down lower and lower toward...

26 Year Old Television Writer: Wait. Stop.

Digital Native: Are you kidding?

26 Year Old Television Writer: What was the first cell phone you had?

Digital Native: Umm. A Blackberry.

26 Year Old Television Writer: Game system?

Digital Native: I don't know. My brother had a Dreamcast. Why are you asking me all this stuff?

26 Year Old Television Writer: Favorite childhood bookstore? Was it a tiny B. Dalton in a mall sandwiched between a theater where you saw Ghostbusters II and a toy store where you got sports figurines of guys like Mark Eaton and Henry Ellard?

Digital Native: It was Amazon.

26 Year Old Television Writer: Oh God.

Digital Native: Is that bad? Can we please stop talking and just...? I'm all wet.

26 Year Old Television Writer: I just came.

Digital Native: You what?

26 Year Old Television Writer: Sorry.

Digital Native: It's okay. I don't judge. But can you like, help get me off now?

26 Year Old Television Writer: Funny you should ask...

The writer quickly gets down to some crazy business.

Digital Native: Oooooh. That feels good!

He suddenly stops. The digital native looks at him all perplexed.

26 Year Old Television Writer: You have no idea what VCR Plus+ is, do you?

Digital Native: What the fuck is your problem?!?!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Uneducated African-American Plagiarizes Late Philip Roth

Niggas, I ardy tolls you my dick own't work no more. Wrinkled flesh and shit. There's this Zuggerman dude, right. Das like me but not quite me. And he's gots a dick, aight? And do it work nowatee's old? Nah, man. It stopped working. Fuckin Prosdate.

NYU Comp Lit T.A. not on a path toward professorship whose passive Croatian boyfriend just left her

reviews Momofuku Ssäm on Yelp:

HATE HATE HATE. The energy in here is terrible! I honestly felt like I was underwater and completely disconnected from humanity and any chance at authentic love the second I stepped in. That's how bad the ambience was. I had a very long conversation with one of the busboys about the nature of upward mobility in the American workplace. When it turned to Momofuku specifically, he said it's IMPOSSIBLE to get promoted there. There are NO GOOD MENTORS at Momofuku Ssäm. I literally had no appetite at this point. Felt mad, jilted, confused. That's how bad this restaurant is. In fact, the vibe was so depressive and closed-off that I started thinking about Andrej incessantly. A restaurant that's so shitty you literally cannot stop thinking about your asshole ex? I mean, COME ON. Never again. 1 star.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Water Parks in the Early 90s

I was convinced, every time I walked through the gates of a water park in the early 90s, that I was destined to have an intense, wet, peak sexual experience with a well-developed for her age half-black beauty.

Instead, I would get horribly sunburned and feel alienated from the 3 Ninjas loving, Lunchables eating generation to which I belonged.

Guy Whose Relationship With Reality Has Been Compromised By His Gonzo Porn Addiction

can't figure out why he's been blacklisted by his extremely talented, popular, Vegas-obsessed, golf-loving Japanese-American dentist.

Day 1.

Guy: Hey mom, I feel like I keep on getting the brush-off from Dr. Shibuya. Every time I call the office, they say they'll put me on the waiting list and call me back when they have a spot. And they never call me back. Since when is there a fucking waiting list!? I've been seeing this guy since I was 12!

Mom: Would you like me to call and try to make you an appointment? Are you sure you didn't upset him somehow?

Guy: Upset him? All I do when I'm in that chair is lie and pretend I like golf and lie and pretend I like Vegas and lie and pretend my brain operates in an efficient, reasonable, forty-seven year old successful Asian dentist kind of way. I kiss the man's ass the entire time! Upset him?! Ha. Oh and yes, that would be great if you'd call for me.

Day 2.

Mom: Honey, this is extremely difficult for me to say...

Guy: Let me guess, the non-existent waiting list?!

Mom: Honey, I tried to get you an appointment. They demurred. I pressed. Dr. Shibuya himself got on the line. He claimed, and this is so hard to repeat, he claimed that the last time you had an appointment, Anne The Hygienist left the room for a couple minutes to retrieve a lead apron and that when she returned... umm, sorry, this is just so... okay, I can do this, she claims she returned to you flinging a cup of warm semen in her face, pulling out your penis, and vigorously thumping it on her forehead several times.

Guy: Yeah, she's always kind of thrown me these dirty fuck-me looks. I sensed an opening. Trust me, I'm well aware of my weird power issues with women. And people in general. Anyway, did Dr. Shibuya explain why he won't give me an appointment?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Guy who's stuck in the past has one good encounter

Guy Who's Stuck In The Past: Oh hey, sexy expensive personal trainer I used to use when my rich parents paid for shit before they cut me off at 28 in the name of "tough love," can you make my body look exactly like it did ten years ago when my cells were young and buoyant and I was incalculably more motivated and hungry than I am now? No? Fuck you!

GWSITP: What's good, grandma who died during the Nagano Olympics. You can come back and be alive again now. Staying dead? Fuck you too, grandma!

GWSITP: Hey ex girlfriend from back home. Haven't talked to you in a while. Let's see, I hated NYU. Just bombed the LSAT for the third time. I resent my friends with money while I simultaneously angle to ride their coattails. Wanna give me head in your car and stare all in-love-like into my sad eyes til I bust all over your leatherette upholstery and we giggle? You feel sorry for me and hope I get the help I need? Fuck you, Heather! I never loved you!

GWSITP: Hey, grotesquely deformed Mexican guy who used to sling peanuts at Dodger Stadium and whom I used to feel guilty about abhorring while I ate Carnation ice cream with a cheap wooden spoon and watched a group of professionally-fulfilled men who were the same age I am now compete in a sport that never really moved me, will you throw a bag of peanuts at me with precision while I feel guilty and bored? Wait, what? Yes?! You will?! Fuck yeah! Thank you!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Verizon Friends and Family Top Five

1.  310-362-9109 (Mom - Home)
2.  310-454-0211 (Mom - Cell)
3.  310-621-3310 (Mom - Fax)
4.  911
5. TBD

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Female Friends

Ideal Female Friend: Let's go through my Facebook friends tonight. Pick out all the girls you find attractive. We'll eliminate the ones who don't have occasional nymphomaniacal streaks. With the remainder, I'm going to educate you on all of their idiosyncrasies and insecurities. Then we'll brainstorm the best ways for you to exploit them. I'm passing Whole Foods right now. Want me to grab you some sushi on the way over? Oh and I can give you a handjob while we're Facebooking. Or not. Totally up to you.

Actual Female Friend (to another female friend behind your back): That girl he's with over at the bar is a fucking cunt. Ughhh. He always sends me such mixed signals.