Monday, March 29, 2010

Bitter, Misogynistic Mouse Has Antipathy For Costco

Mouse: Costco is an incredibly aggravating experience for me. I wanted to get my girlfriend like a $5,000 kirkland signature tennis bracelet the other day. Tacky as fuck, I know. But there's something delicious about spending some real fuckin dough on a girl -- proving you have the financial juice to own / take care of her -- while simultaneously shitting all over her face by getting her something you know she doesn't want. Fuck her. Problem with Costco is, as a mouse, I'm very short. I'm completely incapable of manipulating any of the objects most people in Costco use to procure items. You think I can wheel around one of those big masculine orange cart things? Of course not. It's torture. All I want to do is flex a little and emotionally annihilate my girlfriend, and Costco rapes me on both fronts.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

How Music, Laziness, and Technology Can Result in a Pathological Sex Life

En route to wine bar, your slightly thick, fertile-looking, hyper-insecure slutty passenger notices Reality Bites soundtrack in center console.

You're honest with her. Explain it's your mom's CD. After all, your mom used to drive your car. When you were in college. Five years ago.

Manage to get the girl back to your place.

Open bottle of wine.

Turn on Pioneer 7.1. Channel iPhone-Enabled Audio Receiver.

Select Shuffle.

Receive oral.

Minutes into bj, audiobook of Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival begins playing.

The girl's enthusiasm wanes. The mood is dying. You're not particularly enjoying yourself. But you're far too comfortable to get up and hit Next.

So you just lie there. Knowing it's probably not going to happen. Finally giving her the tap at the thirty minute mark.

She leaves.

You watch internet porn.

And sleep.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Black Barmaid on Vacation in Vegas

quite likes when a young attorney has unprotected sex with her at 5AM in her Stallone-themed room at Planet Hollywood.

It feels better raw, she's happy that this with-it seeming white guy assumes she's clean (she is), and she seems to be enjoying herself far more than her co-worker who's with some Jew in the other bed.

Latina Barmaid on Vacation in Vegas

doesn't particularly enjoy when a young Jewish man, in lieu of sex, simply inserts a dry finger into her butt at 5AM in her Stallone-themed room at Planet Hollywood.

But she doesn't insist he remove the digit. It's a novel experience for her, she's kind of bored, and any human contact feels good at this hour and in this life.