Sunday, April 18, 2010

we are all adults now

Remember when you were a 10 year old with rage issues who was obsessed with saying "pussy" to your shyfat best friend but had a glaring misconception of the precise angular displacement of the actual human pussy. It was your first season of kid pitch. And you had a coach who was WAY younger than your dad but like also older than your sister at Hampshire. A dude who was this vibrant mentoring animal with a dirtyblonde EMT wife he fucked and loved and a Ford Explorer EDDIE BAUER edition in whose cargo area you once spied a case of light domestic beer bearing the promise of a riveting new adult universe entirely alternate to the gentle, teetotaling, incubatory one occupied by your parents. This man with his magical access to all that was fun, deviant, scary, human. But you... still miserably a kid. With spelling tests. And no pubes. You weren't even allowed to throw a curve yet lest you tweak your wee unripe elbow. You were a fucking mess.

So here's the exciting thing... It's been sixteen years. And guess what? You can totally fucking hang out with that guy! Drink a BEER with him! DRIVE to his apartment in YOUR CAR and do ILLEGAL DRUGS together or talk about a girl you both know in a way that reveals YOU UNDERSTAND THE PRECISE PLACEMENT OF VAGINAS ON BODIES. Maybe you'll become sensitive friends who care about each other, and then one night, in his backyard, if you're lucky, he'll fucking tell you about his adult human woman wife who has a real job's MISCARRIAGE. From years ago. Crucial event in homie's life. And he's telling you all about it! She freaked after it happened! Got depressed! Making him feel alienated and undesired. So he kind of wasn't there for her when she needed him most. He ended up cheating on her with a girl who now, on an unrelated note, has breast cancer! And retardedly he admitted it all to his wife. Prompting her to reveal an affair she had had with a sociopathic hugecocked realtor. But they're STILL TOGETHER. Even though they aren't 100% happy! Not even close. They'll never be whole again. And you now know all of this! And are stoned on real pot not oregano to boot! Oh my God! The access! The access to everything! The fucking heartbreaking access!

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