Sunday, August 15, 2010

Doug Vista Catches Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory on Basic Cable at 2AM

"My favorite part of this film without question is the beyond beautiful conception of a world rendered edible! What an imaginative catharsis this was for me as a toddler in the late 70s -- the material universe itself becoming a consumable product completely attuned to the emotional rhythms of my young life. I'm not going out on a limb here when I say that the clear adulthood analogue to this -- and most grown men would surely agree with me whether they're ready to admit it or not -- would be a world made entirely of penises. Just imagine, you reach for a door knob, it's an erect male member. You turn on the faucet in a stadium restroom... thick gobs of semen jet out. You know when I was a teenager watching VHS porn for the first time, like most adolescent boys I would take pieces of duct tape and arrange them on my father's television such that all aspects of the image -- the beautiful breasts, the glistening limbs, the quivering lips both facial and vaginal -- such that all aspects save the hard-on proper would be masked by the tape and thus rendered irrelevant. Is there an adult man reading this who can't relate to a similar experience? If you can't, it's time to embrace the zeitgeist. For times they have a-changed, my friends. The old models of sexuality are out. In a recent uncontrolled but very rigorous study out of Thailand, it was found that as much as your average man enjoys taking a woman from behind and giving it to her doggy-style, that male will invariably prefer performing that same exact act on a man. There is just a base universal sexual pleasure associated with taking down the stronger of the two sexes. Some of my friends at colleges and institutes throughout South East Asia at large are telling me that we are on the verge of a radical systematic reevaluation of what it is that specifically constitutes male sexual attraction. The old model -- that men are attracted to young fertile women, certain breast-to-hip ratios, symmetry, female sex pheromones undetectable by the human nose, etc., is simply on its way out. What we're seeing is a paradigm shift toward a new model in which the chief attributes that men seek out in sexual partners are strength, size, power, and masculinity. Does this mean we're headed toward a future in which homosexuality becomes the norm? Absolutely not. In fact, this new model of attraction posits that women are now more than ever almost unbearably desirable to men. For human women are decently sized, relatively strong, have moderate levels of testosterone coursing through their veins and such. In fact in this modern world we all find ourselves inhabiting today, the ONLY thing more carnally desirable to your average adult male than a woman will of course be another man."