Thursday, November 18, 2010

September THE Eleventh

YOU TOO can experience the Rohrbach Reach-Around if you just time travel to 2002 and pen a pithy Ariel Sharon hagiography in which you refer to Palestinians as a "rogue cadre of thugs."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Freaky Tuesday

Sat next to Luke Walton at lunch today at Le Pain Quotidien. That's right. Luke Walton and I -- same afternoon routine! We even had the same order. We're both soft-boiled egg guys! And then I wondered, what would happen if Luke and I switched bodies for the remainder of the day... Could I pass as Luke? If Phil tried to put me in the game against the T-Wolves tonight, would I take advantage of the once in a lifetime opportunity to play alongside Kobe and Pau even though that would mean blowing my cover and destroying Luke's reputation? Or would I just skip the game altogether and try to fuck groupies?

And what about Luke as me? Could he go to my underfunded local library, inwardly bemoan the lack of any newish literary fiction, walk home to my parents' house, send 2 uneventful text messages, nap, eat a Twix left over from Halloween, and half-heartedly watch Conan (East Coast feed) with my mom and dad without revealing whose mind was in my body?! Or would he just be like, fuck the library and Conan, I'm gonna try calling this girl Matt's dating and fuck her. Calling her. Ringing. She's slammed at work tonight? Unavailable? Great. Guess I could fly solo to the new Arclight in El Segundo. Nothing good's playing? Could still see Red or Hereafter and just nap again if I get bored. But I wonder if that would be risky? Would the two 71 year old movie buddy ladies in the front row notice and be like oh dear look at that guy who is minding his own business in the back row. Oh yes, the one politely shielding his iPhone glow whenever he checks an email... he's gently sighing, and, yes, wait, yes, he's starting to get a little heavy-lidded! I can see it! He seems a tad out of sorts! Oh yes! Something duplicitous must be going on there -- identity-wise!

Monday, November 1, 2010

November 3, 1992

Me: "My parents are both voting for Clinton today."

Extremely sensitive savant who's the only other kid in my class with any level of cultural awareness: "Oh, of course. But you know what my mom and I would really relish? A Boxer win!"

A What? A what win? Who the fuck is this Boxer? Was my Clinton reference too broad for you, you snob? Are you trying to one-up me, you always crying math-obsessed troll? Since when are we supposed to follow elections for people running for something that isn't president? We're 9! But don't you try and spin this like I'm some kind of lightweight. Do you know who Paul Tsongas is? Ehh? Ehh? Tsongas ring a bell?! Because it does for me! Oh yeah! And one more thing while we're at it... why are you using "relish" in that way? Look, I realize there's some double meaning or something at play here - I'm not an idiot - but I still don't get it. And all I want to talk about is CLINTON. Not Boxer and fucking relish!

Me: "Yeah, my family loves Boxer!"