Wednesday, May 19, 2010

In the Year 2000, a Guy Brags via AIM to Misfit Friend after Losing Virginity

Guy (to himself): I just got my dick wet for the first time. Why isn't Brian more happy for me?!

Brian (to himself): I am irredeemably off. I've been rejected by every Ivy I applied to. My bedroom reeks of unlaundered XXL polos and cowardice. I secretly want to fuck my young jappy sister. Which is funny since I'm probably gay. SO CONGRATS, ROB! I'm so fucking happy you're hitting all your developmental milestones!

Sex with a Latina

Pre-act, you expect your interior monologue to go something like this:

I'm fucking a Mexican! A Mexican! Sensuality. Spanish. I'm fucking a Mexican! Light brown sweaty porny nymphomaniacal skin. I miss my doting childhood maid. Sex. Sex. Cater to my every need, you perfect whore. Mexican. Mexican. Vicente Fox. Accent. Porn. Cum.

In practice, it's much more like this:

This feels so good! Shit, that didn't last very long.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

one time in toys r us

i was with my rich aunt and she said she was going to buy me a bday present and we went by the video game case and i pointed to a COLOR portable neo geo system that was so expensive i hadn't even asked my parents for it even though i was a diabolical consumerist brat back then and i explained to my aunt how it was COLOR and there was an add-on where you could watch TV on it and she smiled and bought me sonic spinball instead, the worst game ever. i wanted to cry and kill her.

buying an affordable but hip starter home

is slightly less exciting than collecting all of your wrinkled miserable cash, going to toys r us (best buy wasn't invented yet), grabbing that paper slip ticket thing and taking it to the magical but not super happy seeming bro at that special window to claim your brand new mortal kombatish video game. like literally, the $50 video game causes a greater dopamine rush than the $739,501 home. wordsworth was right about childhood and shit.

sometimes i'll be in the middle of having sex with an adult

...and i'll think to myself, how did i get into this scary predicament?! shouldn't i be having a super soaker battle with a chubby best friend or playing the simpsons arcade game while i wait for my mom to pick me up from the movie theater having already 1-800-collected her. but then i remember i'm almost 30.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

dating

You make a good amount of money. so do i. you are pretty good looking. so am i. you went to a great college, i went to a good one. you are slightly more interesting than i am, but i will give you limitless access to a well-kept human vagina as long as you keep introducing me to new relevant experiences. so wanna go out, say i love you, get sick of each other, completely grow apart, and then find someone new?

okay.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Extremely Gifted Korean Masseuse With Self-Esteem And Empathy Issues Imagines What It's Like in Obama's Head

You say "Great. That felt so good." You don't mean it. You judge me. I work 6 day a week. So tired. Don't make enough money. I touch your ear gently and "accidentally" brush against your boys. This my trick. I am legit, but I must keep you coming back. I am hungry for ham and cheese sandwich. Everyone says I am good I am so great thank you so much. One white boy say he considers me Kobe Bryant of masseuse, because of my skill and effort. Same boy say I structure massage so well I tell story with my hands. I miss home. I was in love there. I am so imperfect. I wish I was 20, not 32. I am first black president united states.