Monday, December 13, 2010

Librarymen

I really recommend spending more time in public libraries. Huge ego boost. I’m the only male in the 18-49 demo in this entire building. All of these women -- crazy-eyed Asian MILF gliding through NON-FICTION 92E-92M, the sweats and Uggs-wearing high school girls studying in the Quiet Reading Room -- they are all legitimately gravitating toward me. And who can blame them? There is a biological principle at play here. This is pheromonal. This is science. I just KNOW the blood pumping through my body is being circulated more strongly and efficiently than it is though all these eccentric geezers and leathery-skinned dads. My height is normally a bee’s dick below totally average. Compared to most of the greatest generation fuckers lounging near Periodicals, my height is officially just totally average.

Oh wow, some long, greasy-haired beta Fantasy-reading freak just let out a rip-roaring fart!!! What an aggressive faux pas! Meanwhile, I’m all brand new MacBook Pro and Don Johnson sandpaper stubble. I am so hot! A cunty hipster in a sundress just walked in and shamelessly eyed me. This is paradise, people! Wait a second, what the… fuck. Okay, some Boris Becker in his prime-looking dickbag just sighted... six 0'clock… tell me this isn’t happening... thumbing through the… Chicago Hope Season 2 DVDs of all things. Officially confirmed: the girls in the Quiet Reading Room are now angled toward the DVD and CDs section and are giggling and whispering to each other. It’s…all…over. Thanks to you, Germanic fucker. You wanna show off your athletic frame? We’re a mile away from the Pacific Ocean. Have at it, buddy. You need to score chicks so bad? Try a bar. Not a fucking library.